(Dave’s Bit.) It’s one thing to know that you love your partner but it’s a whole different ball game to unreservedly give yourself to them. One thing that Donna and I have realised as we have gone through what has been a crazy and very intense transformation in our relationship with each other, is that we both hold powerful keys to unlock each other’s minds, emotions and sexuality as we offer ourselves without reserve, shame or guilt. I don’t think any of us have a full grasp on the true value of a healthy relationship or the power which the act of sex holds in a relationship.

Donna and I have both been transformed over this past season of our marriage, the change in our attitudes, outlook on life, sense of oneness with each other and nature and the feeling of youthfulness and vitality can only be put down to the fruit of a newly found and incredible understanding about the closeness that an open and unreserved relationship offers . After 26 years of being together I guess we both felt we were doing ok; I mean we loved each other dearly, got on really well for the majority of the time and shared many common interests in different areas. I guess in many ways we had come to a place where we thought that these areas of connection between us were more than enough and in some ways I guess we had stagnated and didn’t realise that we were missing out on so much more. I assume that our relationship with each other may have mirrored where many of other relationships could be; I mean I couldn’t get away from the knowing that something powerful was missing and that things were nowhere near what they once were. Yes we loved each other, yes we were enjoying a level of intimacy together but were we really giving ourselves to each other in unadulterated abandon?

There are days when everything changes. As I said in a previous blog post, in many ways Donna and I have no idea what happened to us, it was a shock, a miracle which changed everything. This is the reason that we cannot offer a formula or a reliable process to follow. It was a shock to us and we are still working through in our understanding what took place, yet what we now have for others is hope and a sight of space for transformation. We just woke up one Saturday morning and everything had changed, that morning and through the rest of that day the intimacy that we enjoyed was incredible, it was new, full of life and creativity and absolutely void of any shame or guilt. To be able to again explore each others sensuality and to stimulate each others pleasure after 26 years of relationship together was insane and through this season what we have learned we will begin to share with you guys in a hope that you also will find that same freedom, that same pleasure. Desires to please each other and to pleasure each other which were locked down through fear of being ‘dirty’ were once again flowing, and so they should! (I guess none of us who have engaged in church life for any period of time have any idea how deep the religious conditioning has hit our minds and shut down our freedom to be able to enjoy and explore this powerful avenue of life and pleasure. We are so thankful that we have now seen through this illusion of religious thinking.)

Abandoning yourself to each other is a huge deal and a major key in the transforming of a relationship. Offering your body without fear of being refused, giving yourself unreservedly and allowing yourself to drink again from rivers of pleasure without any sense of guilt is so freeing. I now understand that Donna held the keys to my liberation, to my sexual and emotional freedom. I can now see that whilst Donna was holding herself back from me (for very obvious reasons which we will address again,) that I was left in a place of frustration, anxiety and deep unfulfilled longings. I can now also see that once she crossed over the line of giving herself fully to me and abandoning herself to enjoy again absolute freedom in our life together, that she had all along held the keys to me walking as a man and a husband in total freedom. This has unlocked me, the act between 2 consenting adults who have somehow come to a place of offering themselves to each other without reservation. I have never felt so alive, never felt so vibrant, so secure or so whole. Sex between us is now insanely good, better than good it’s incredible, creative and life giving; It isn’t about fulfilling some marital duty on certain days of the week just to ensure we have ticked all the right boxes and relieved any immediate frustration lol. Hell no, it’s about bringing life to each other, of unlocking each others individuality and giving space to engage in those earthy hidden desires which make us human. When we grow as a couple, we unlock each other and unlock each other’s freedom to be and to belong.

One more thought on the subject of unreservedly giving yourself to your partner. I understand that many people are hurting, that they would love to be able to offer themselves unreservedly BUT in reality they’ve come to a place of feeling let down time and time again, that they feel unloved and lack trust in their partner. Many have built walls around themselves and have shut down their own sensuality no longer wanting to suffer the indignity of giving themselves to someone who will hurt them one more time. I guess they want things to be different and their mindset is ‘If only he can change and we could work through these hurts and pains THEN I will be his and he will be mine.’ I understand that way of thinking and in many ways I guess it’s the natural response after years of heartache; Yet can I just throw this thought into the equation, my personal transformation as a man has happened as my wife has given herself to me 100 percent, I would suggest that she has seen more change in me over this past season as she has offered herself to me then at anytime over the past 26 years! In this season it hasn’t been that we have ‘worked through our issues,’ and if Donna had waited for me to be some perfect specimen of a man to give herself to me then she would of had a long wait and as far as I know some of the pains I have caused Donna over the years may still be in her heart; YET transformation has come, change has gripped our lives as we have abandoned ourselves to each other. So I guess what I’m saying is this, maybe the change you want to see in your partner will only come as you take the first step in giving yourself to him, maybe the keys for his transformation are in your hands and his freedom will manifest as you give yourself to him wholeheartedly!

(Donna’s Bit) The trouble is if there is no connection on a base level (this we would describe as going back to your early courtship desires and those moments when you loved and lusted after each other,) then those intimate loving feelings that connect you as a couple are dormant; There is room for disappointment, loneliness and dissatisfaction within the relationship for either partner or maybe both. A yearning to be passionately loved and cared for still remains in even the most loving relationships. The challenge is this; although you are happy and get along really well – do you still feel as passionate, empowered, attractive and confident in your sexuality as you did when you first met and were exploring each other in the first heady days of courtship?

Guilt and the accusation that sordid thoughts are ‘unnatural’ play a huge part in the damage to a relationship. Yes you have responsibilities, if you go to church you are taught that you must strive to become clean and holy; this is the most damaging aspect to any partnership. This whole subject is ignored and if addressed it is within the confines of wanting not to offend and must appear to seem to give freedom whilst at the same time not condoning any ‘free thinking,’ as the church system relies heavily upon control and suppression of any natural desires.

To have a mindset that sex is sordid or a ‘dirty’ act is damaging, debilitation, depressing and corrosive, (you thought that I was going to use another d word then didn’t you LOL.) Corrosive because our natural desire is to be sexual. Ok so you can be sexual and have a night dedicated to the act of sex say on a Saturday, yet in the early days you would be happy to get it on any time and on any night! If your natural libido has been damaged by guilt or suppression you can easily see sex as an act that has to be performed yet the spark has gone or you feel weird about it; It isn’t the same as it once was, you still feel those desires occasionally yet your partner doesn’t appear on the same wave length. What to do? Some people move on, some play away from home, some remain in a relationship whilst dying on the inside and become withdrawn; they lose connection and become bitter. Is it important? Is sex that important? We have heard this said before and think that it is a very sad question. I like to explain it in this way – many people understand the act as an ending to relieve lust, maybe an uncontrolled act where emotions are strong and all sense goes out of the window; eg a one night stand or a relationship outside of marriage – a sordid naughty act that gives pleasure yet leaves guilt or shame. In actual fact sex is way more than that, it is a gateway to a closeness and bonding between the right couple, something that connects and is the foundation for an amazingly close relationship and can cure many opportunities for distance and misunderstanding to develop and spoil a relationship. The closeness and excitement you once felt when you first fell in love is enhanced by the trust and familiarity you experience with your long time partner. So is it that important ?

Guys please keep your responses coming, we love you all endlessly and so hope that this series is helping and maybe challenging your thought processes, Big Hugs Dave/Donna x