(Dave’s Bit.) Within religious circles (sects) people are struggling. Marriages and relationships are charged with tension and sexual frustration, these relationships at times can become unbearable and become nothing more than a breeding ground of unfulfilled desires and unsatisfied expectations. Often confusion reigns as guys attempt to decipher what is acceptable, permissible and dare I say it ‘holy’ as they do all they can to weigh up the ‘motives’ of their inner passions and desires. Religion confuses what should be simple, it add’s weights and hems guys in with restrictions in an attempt to control and bring conformity to a pattern which ‘it’ deems acceptable. In such circles spirituality quickly get’s replaced by religious formula and passion swallowed up by rules and regulations whether spoken or simply exuded by those who ‘know’ a better way. I can guarantee if you have spent any decent amount of time within church structure you will have come under an influence that may talk about ‘Identity’ but which ultimately shuts down your true identity and the reality of who you are.

To know your identity is to know yourself at your deepest and most base level. These deep levels of your true reality are nothing more than a river of raw and unadulterated passions and desires. When you were a child those passions just flowed, you knew what you wanted, who you liked being with, how you wanted to dress and you started at a young age to form an identity. When Donna and I first met it was through the mutual appreciation of these deep desires and passions that our relationship grew and flourished. We shared so many similar passions, we enjoyed the same music, both loved the scene which we were part of and enjoyed a dress sense which others frowned upon. We would spend hours offloading to each other our deepest and most intimate thoughts regarding who we were and what we enjoyed. This sharing of passion and identity ensured that our intimacy together grew and the trust which follows. Deep called out to deep, desire to desire. We were naked in our vulnerability with each other and felt no sense of shame or guilt!

As you can imagine our sexual relationship with each other was powerful, we enjoyed each other deeply. Very little seemed off limits and rightly so, there was a freedom between us which allowed us to explore each others sensuality. Our desires based around sex which came from the raw energy of love for each other was never tainted with any sense of guilt or wrongdoing, this guilt only came later as we came under the mystical spell of conformity and conditioned thinking propagated by a church full of religious stagnancy and sensual impotency. Within the church sex seemed more of a marital duty which was tolerated rather than an endless pleasure to be explored continually. We heard it said that sex was important in a marriage but needed it’s right place. We also heard one missionary (who obviously needed to move on from missionary and maybe switch it up to a different style just for variety sake,) say; “Sex should be treated like having a bowel movement, you just do it, flush it away and then don’t think about it again,” LOL! It’s crazy to think that guys live like this, it’s laughable, yet you would be surprised at just how many people within church circles think like this whether consciously or sub-consciously. Whether it was stated or not sex was relegated to some back room activity and never once promoted to be a powerful key in a partnership to offload, share and explore deep pleasures together.

Sadly within church circles sex is way down the list when it comes to priority. Obvious really when you consider it, I mean how can a religious system which focuses heavily on sacrifice, denial of self and abandoning unhealthy pleasures, at the same time promote the unadulterated abandonment to each other and our intimate sexual desires together? Our sexual explosion together was soon suffocated, freedom was replaced by fear of coming under the wrath of an Almighty God and lace lingerie with flannelette PJ’s and industrial woolen socks! Oral sex was also deemed unholy and was yet another pleasure which was quickly swallowed up (pardon the pun,) as apparently the mouth is supposed to be for prophesy so can’t be used in an ‘unholy way.’ What utter bullshit. The sexual tension and frustration which many experience within these sects must be so tangible, women shut down their emotions and who can blame them as they deal with the sense of abandonment as their partners spend countless hours ‘pursuing God,’ and men turn to porn or adultery as a stop gap to relieve themselves as those inner passions can’t find a place to fully land. There has to be a place of revival of those inner desires, not just on a personal level but as couples as we dream to explore together again the reason why we initially connected with each other.

To finish, as you can imagine since Donna and I have been going through our transformation we have once again come into connection with those earthy, raw and deepest desires which identify who we truly are. Yes much of that Identity was robbed from us as we ‘sought identity’ via some outside source. Donna and I for the first time in 20 years are enjoying again true pleasure, as we remember once more what we had always enjoyed and who we truly are. Listen we can talk about freedom as much as we want but ultimately if you are always talking ‘freedom’ yet after 10 years of talk you still look the same, sound the same and act the same then what new freedom are you experiencing? What Donna and I are finding is that we are changing, how we dress, how we speak, how we behave with each other AND how/why/what we enjoy with each other when it comes to intimacy. We have come full circle, but it has only come as we have engaged again those earthy rivers of desire without feeling the limitation or guilt which comes via religious contamination. We are enjoying again activities in every area of our marriage which we gave up on the alter of religious service, we are now wondering what was the reasoning for us forgoing these beautiful pleasures in the first place? Ideas???

As always these blogs are to stimulate hope in you guys, we want you to know that it’s ok to go with your passions, it’s ok to engage again PLEASURE in a guilt free way. Below is Donna’s portion. We have received so many messages off different guys asking questions, Donna’s portion is a modification of an email she sent to someone who has found certain difficulties in their relationship. In the email Donna lovingly speaks life into their situation and talks again about the power of pleasure and how religion suffocates it’s beauty. Big Hugs DAVE

Hi, I am hoping you don’t feel too weird about me messaging you. I am so gutted for you and really feel bad for you and your situation. I really understand how being a mother and having a spiritual code to adhere to confuses and shuts people down intimately with their partners. The amount of men we have known or know that expect some kind of perfection and holiness personified from their doting wives, yet it turns sour, the wife is shut down emotionally and feels like crap yet the men still expect excitement in the bedroom as though you can live as two different people. A constant battle between what is acceptable and what we are able to do or not able to do can get pretty crazy and leads to confusion and self examination of our motives and desires – so draining and debilitating.

Religion shuts people down in many ways – guilt, shame and an expectation of excellence as a mother and homemaker all take their toll on our personalities as we strive to become somebody that everyone else wants us to be. Needs for emotional well being and intimacy can be easily shut down in a woman who has children to care for – men do not find it so easy and some turn to other means and convince themselves it is ok to find emotional comfort in another partner who offers themselves to them sometimes resulting in a sexual relationship. It starts off as an emotional attachment but very often ends up going the whole way and they are convinced it is OK because the wife/husband does not ‘understand’ them and they have grown ‘distant’ there are more cross words than kind words.

It absolutely breaks my heart – I have friends who have experienced this and we know of pastors who have committed these type of affairs. It is a very real issue and can not be swept under the carpet any more. Obviously the one who strays has convinced themselves that the partner does not meet their emotional/sexual needs, sometimes not realising that they are the cause of this, whether by the lack of love or demanding childish or immature personalities, ego, lack of self control, the list is long. The intimacy in the relationship has been so affected and it seems there is no hope of redeeming those first loving and tender times. Also women fantasise about this. Husband/partner becomes distant and there is a separation in the relationship, once that tear appears it gets stretched and reconfirmed by each harsh word or critisicm.

In a good relationship everything needs to be right, all issues need to be ironed out, you cannot be as one with a stack of niggling upsets that are constantly brought to mind each time your buttons are pushed – that is the danger zone. Truth is – any relationship starts with the closeness and thrill of being or wanting to be ‘together.’ Why should marriages or partnerships allow mundane and boring and even apathy to creep in. This is certainly not what the roving partner is looking for in their new liason. Our blogs are meant to encourage people to ditch the mind control religion offers us. As loving partners can be free to explore and not feel ashamed of indulging and satisfying your needs as lovers who first met. I know full well that guilt feeling and the disgust of sex and the myriad of confused attitudes to that basic human passion.

Someone told everyone who wanted to be seen as “religious“ or “holy” that your desires are filthy and lead to hell. Someone told everyone who aspired to be any where near church that you need to refrain from dressing a certain way or perhaps wearing make up in extreme cases or you would be ‘of the wrong spirit.’ All I can say is be proud of yourself, hold your head high and when you find you are ready to get involved in another relationship please be free, don’t let guilt and inhibition get in your way because you feel ashamed of being a sexual person. I obviously don’t know you and am sorry if I am being a bit too embarrassing but I really feel for you and want freedom for people who have been victims of suppression as a direct result of trying to be a good person and a dutiful mother and wife. It is all bullshit, you deserve to be free, nobody is saying the kids will suffer if you become free – they will suffer more if their mum is upset, afraid, lacks confidence and freedom of expression and is guilt ridden. Be bold and good luck to you for the future, You are worth far more than your husband gave you credit for. Donna x